Some people might think these tales are extreme, not the experience of ordinary women. But there are no ordinary women. We all face a closely linked phalanx of shields carved out of male privilege that people barely know exists. If we individually face withering assumptions instead of fits or guns, it is a matter of degree. No one escapes.
A friend and I were talking a while ago. She came home from work to find her husband dozing, her son playing video games, her daughter on the phone and no one fixing dinner. No one got up to help. It was her job. Days later she still felt angry. How could the people who loved her be so blind? My friend does not call herself a feminist, so in answer to her questions I responded with with a wry smile. "Welcome to the Women's Movement."
What we ordinary women face is the assumption that men are right. This assumption is not only from the men. We women fall into it too. I worked with survivors of rape and violence for years. The director of the mental health facility said he was holding me personally responsible if the incidence of rape went up after we established an intervention program to help the women work through their trauma, file charges and deal with the people at home. I was astounded. A PhD psychologist saying our program would increase rape and sexual assault. Why would that be? Because uppity women deserve it?
But this kind of benighted thinking continues. All the stupid things people in the Republican Party are saying these days were myths we thought we exploded years ago. Decades ago. Some of these stupid things are said by women. Why? Because they think men are right even if they are violent? Because women can't be trusted? Here are a choice few myths:
1.Women cry rape when they change their mind. NOT!
2. Legitimate rape victims can't get pregnant. NOT!
3. The Violence Against Women Act shouldn't apply to Native American women and undocumented women. NOT!
What does that last one even mean? Are they saying it is okay to beat on women who don't have the right lineage, DNA or papers? Who says that? Who even thinks it?
I was watching Law and Order SVU the other night. One of the detectives observed in disgust that rape is still a crime that the victim has to prove happened. Nobody asks a robbery victim if they wanted to get robbed. Nobody thinks they have a fantasy about being threatened by a gun or having their home broken into.
Domestic violence and partner violence is like that too. Didn't they ask for it? Isn't it just part of how they get along? NO! In another SVU episode the perp liked to choke women with his belt. The prosecutor--a man--gave him a belt and asked him to show the jury how she liked it. It was a trap; the perp couldn't get out of it. The belt made him lose enough control to actually choke the ADA. When he recovered, he took his belt off his neck and pointed out to the jury there was no mark. The victim/survivor had been horribly bruised. Okay, he had a color and tie, but the belt went higher than that. The jury got it. Then they gave the perp a conviction.
We can see this on TV now. Yet the myths continue. The doubt about our word continues. We even question each other. Yes it is important to have male allies in this struggle. Yes the detectives and prosecutors need to "get it" and speak out. But women, we need to understand we need each other. We believe each other. And we defend each other. And when it is time to fix dinner, the last one through the door shouldn't have to cook it.
Oh, man. I am just so moved by this post. Very powerful words and well said.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tara. The tip of the iceberg. The book is connecting the dots for me.I should say reconnecting.
DeleteThanks Tara. The tip of the iceberg. The book is connecting the dots for me.I should say reconnecting.
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